Derek is a steam engine who lives and works at a big station in the land of Somewhere. He's a nervy little wise-ass of an engine with four small wheels; a small, stumpy body; a small, stumpy dome; a small, stumpy dome; and a funnel so lengthy it could pierce the rectum of the sky if it could.

Derek mainly pulls generic coaches to and fro for passengers to get across Somewhere, traveling all over the land. Whenever he would puff across the line, he always looked forward to something special.

The park near the river. Everyday he would see people having orgies with hookers. Derek often wanted to stay and watch, but his driver would say, “No! Engines can't fuck! And the railroad's president, Wilbert Vere Thomson, wouldn't approve of us being late!” “I know who the president of the railroad is,” Derek would reply. “I've been working at his railroad here on Somewhere all my life. There's no need to tell me all the time.” “Well, this is the first story,” explained his driver, “and the audience didn't know that until now!”

Whenever he was with the other engines, Derek would tell them, “I want to fuck a whore!” But they too had the same answer, “Engines can't fuck!” “Simple-assed stick-in-the-muds,” thought Derek.

Every night, Derek would sleep dreaming about being in a brothel, with tons of hot chicks fondling his coupling rods. “Oh, how I wish I could be with a whore,” he would mumble in his sleep, much to the other engines' chagrin.

One day, Derek was collecting empty coaches that the big engines were pulling. He was waiting at the station as his driver and fireman were on their phones engaged in spamming cringe-inducing right-wing Twitter accounts with memes of Shrek putting such posts into his Boomer compilation. Suddenly, Derek noticed something.

A large, portly woman was walking towards him. She had pitch-black hair and wearing scant red silk sheets and black lingerie. In spite of (or rather because of) her obesity, she was incredibly gorgeous and seductive. “Hey there, hot stuff,” she said to Derek.

Derek had become surprised and aroused as the woman came over to him. “I've been looking for a little fun,” she said, fondling Derek's front coupling rod. “Would you like to help me out?” Derek's brain stopped dead for a moment; he couldn't believe that this was happening. Then, he decided to take his chance. “Yes I would, ma'am!” he whistled happily.

She pulled her underwear down and stuffed Derek's whole coupling rod into her vagina. She gyrated side to side yelling and moaning loudly. “Oh baby,” she moaned, “yeah, baby...” Derek felt some pleasant tingling in his coupling rod.

The woman hurriedly removed her silk sheets and bra as she bounced back and forth, her ass cheeks smacking Derek's coupling rod and each other as she moved. The tingling kept on crawling through Derek's coupling rod.

After a while, the woman took out the coupling rod to turn around to face Derek while continue pleasuring each other. She humped back and forth, moaning and yelling. “Oh...fuck!” she cried. Derek, while exerting himself, stared lovingly at the woman's beautiful face, her luscious red lipstick; her long, flowing, black hair; her massive, jiggly knockers.

Derek started to groan and gasp and gasp and groan now as the woman was shrieking with pleasure. The tingling feeling had entirely overtaken Derek's coupling rod; it felt like it could explode at any moment. The sex went on and on and on. Then, Derek could barely control the tingling in his coupling rod. He could tell the woman was developing similar feelings.

“Oh...” she moaned. “I can't take it anymore, baby! I'm gonna cum! Aaaahhhhh!!” Both Derek and the woman were grunting, groaning, and gasping for breath. Reaching climax, she leaned towards and caressed Derek's face until, at long last, they came. The woman let out a prolonged, massive shriek as Derek gave out an equally lengthy “PEEP! PEEP!” She fell onto Derek's front and touched his face.

“That was absolutely wonderful, baby,” she cooed. “Hope I see you later.” And she kissed on the cheek. “I hope to see you again, later.,” replied Derek. She picked up her clothes and walked seductively away from him.

“All right, Derek. Time to go,” said his driver. And so, Derek puffed away. Suddenly, Derek began to feel pain in his boiler. Steam had started to hiss from his valve at an alarming rate. “There's too much steam!” cried his driver and fireman. “Holy shit!” Derek cried in horror. “I'm going to die! I'm going to die! Now Wilbert Vere Thomson won't think I'm useful!”

His driver and fireman damped down Derek's fire and struggled on. “I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain,” Derek hissed. “I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain...”

“...I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain,” Derek continued. They pulled into a junction just outside the last station. “...I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain,” whined Derek, as they pulled into a nearby siding out of the way. “...I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain,” groaned Derek.

“I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain, I've got such a pain...” “SHUT UP!” cried his driver.

The station master called for a doctor. The doctor eventually arrived with the manager, Wilbert Vere Thomson. “Don't worry, Derek,” they said, “we'll help you out.” The doctor climbed up to Derek's boiler and took a sample of water. He took the sample and did some conveniently quick testing and research.

“Please, sir, take a look at my results and compare them to the information in the book.” “Certainly,” replied Wilbert Vere Thomson. He looked at the results and nearly collapsed in surprise. “Doctor,” he murmured, “can you see...chlamydia cells?”

“Jesus fucking Christ! How the hell did that happen?” asked the driver. Derek explained to the people there about his encounter with the woman. “That doesn't make any sense,” said the doctor. “How could you develop orgasmic feelings and chlamydia if you don't have genitals?”

Derek had to think about this for a moment; even he was unsure about how this had happened to him. “I don't have a clue,” he replied. “Well, I hope you've learned a valuable lesson, Derek,” said Wilbert Vere Thomson. “Yes, I have, sir,” replied Derek, “Engines can't fuck. It's too uncomfortable and confusing.”